"In his effort to try to stop Obamacare, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke for 21 hours and 19 minutes nonstop. That's impressive, but still eight hours short of the record held when somebody asked Joe Biden, 'Hey, what's new?'" –Jay Leno

 

 

"As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, 'I don't want to put anything on the table and I don't want to take anything off the table.' Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again." –David Letterman  

"Donald Trump's plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, 'Nothing, I just couldn't take it anymore.'" –Jimmy Fallon